Parent Skills Training

Cooperation is won through relationship, not power.

Sometimes, education in lei of therapy is the more natural path since parents are the ideal agents for change. In a relatively short period of time, they can begin to reverse unhealthy patterns in their child’s behavior that otherwise, would have been left to the professional.

In every parent-child relationship, we find ourselves saying, "Can we start over again? We need a reset.” When we reach those conflict points, we often think, "I wish there was a playbook of what to do?" My parent skills training sessions deliver a powerful antidote to strengthen and or repair, all parenting relationships. It doesn't matter what difficulties or stage of life your child or teenager is going through. It applies to intact families, step-families, blended-families, single-parents, adoptive-families, or any other loving combination. As a result of learning my five principles, children can acquire five vital life-skills: Empathy, Self-Worth, Self-Awareness, Self-Control and Self-Confidence. Applied consistently, they will reach the deepest parts of a child’s potential, allowing him or her feel, perhaps for the first time, “I like who I’m becoming.” The daily cycle of nagging, pleading, and power struggles gives way to a quieter rhythm—one marked by cooperation, respect and self-control.

This evolutionary parenting approach requires wearing three different hats: One as the head coach, modeling family unity, values and optimism; one as the the sports announcer giving a play-by-play description of what's happening in the moment; and one as the ref, making the call out-loud and saying the real truth ( with care and respect) when conflict arises. It is rooted in one unalterable axiom: "When you change the parents response, you change the child's behavior."

This might be a good time to draw attention to the worry many parents have about the effect their marriages have on their children, especially those filled with discord. Most psychologists believe the happiness of the parents’ marriage will be the final predictor of whether their children will one day be happily married or not. It is my strong belief that the parent-child relationship—not the marriage—exerts the greatest influence on a child’s future happiness. Obviously, having children see their mother and father living in harmony, love, and respect is the ultimate gift. But there’s a deeper truth that many psychologists overlook—children don’t learn about love solely by watching their parents relate to each other; they learn it through how each parent relates to them individually. After all, the earliest awareness of relationships by young children are not experienced through the eyes of their parents’ compatibility, but through their feelings of compatibility with each parent individually.

What matters more—far more—is the depth and quality of the bond between parent and child. When a child is consistently met with complete understanding, talked to with respect, raised in a family culture of truth, shown proper boundaries and consequences, and sustained by a parent’s unwavering deep belief in the child’s potential, something essential takes root. The child internalizes a model of emotional safety, trust, and worthiness. They begin to recognize what healthy love feels like—not just what it looks like. From that wellspring, they will draw the clarity, confidence, and emotional literacy to build relationships marked by respect, truth, and enduring connection. When we don't know how to master a moment, we can't master a relationship.

This truth becomes even more urgent when the challenges come from difficult children. Parents often wonder, "Was my child born this way?" One father with two very different teenage sons was telling me, "One kid I'm putting through college, the other I wanna put through a wall." Some children can calm down within a few minutes of conflict; others take a longer to regulate themselves. Difficult children are almost always late bloomers.

Some have biological factors that include sensory processing, nervous system sensitivity, or neurodevelopment delays. For others, the challenges stem from temperament, early attachment disruptions, or other unusual ways they process stress. Regardless of the cause, remaining realistic about how long it will take until self-control manifests, always increases tolerance and patience. It makes no difference if we want to lose weight, get in shape or break our own bad habits. Resist getting drawn into magical thinking where you come to believe, the worst is over, or my child's behavior will change by tomorrow." It won't. Don't keep looking for light-bulb moments, especially if you are in the "repair" phase of your relationship. Yet, there is good news! When you follow my five parenting principles, difficult children won’t stay difficult.😎

Here are some common sense suggestions around social media that increases family connection. Try your best not to cave!

No smart phones until junior high. (I know. Good luck.)
No Facebook / Instagram or email until sophomore year in high school.
No TV, phones or social media in bedrooms. Use alarm clock for morning wake-ups.
No TV, tablets or video use with children under the age of two.
Limit phones and digital tablet use with children under the age of five.
No smart phones at dinner table, breakfast and lunch. Only conversation.
No texting to family members while in the house. You must physically find them.
No smart phones in certain social situations; Doctor's appointments, family discussions, play dates.
Make sure you never text and drive. Never! Model this behavior. It can be life saving.
If your children's friends come over to play, take all their cell phones with a gracious and warm thank you.